does every day seem like more of the same? do you need things like "holidays", weekly tv shows, etc, to give you the illusion that it isn't? oh come on, i just visited the family, got drunk, ate too much, AND watched the perry como christmas special! now THAT doesn't happen every day.
well, yes, but it happens nearly every month. oh clearly it will be the joe jones january bash the next time around, but the general idea remains the same. then back to work, "friends" reruns with the old gang on saturday... maybe you wore your new jeans or had your hair streaked. it's like a whole new you!!
so why this giant bait and switch game anyway? it seems impossible that an intelligent species could really spend all their time worrying about their hair and what's on tv and did you hear jolly's new single "albatross" it has a really rad bass line??? surely there must be something MORE! oh yes you with the genesis box set, yes i know you're completely different, or at any rate 30 years older.
yes, but ARE they an intelligent species?
woah.
perhaps we need to reclassify them. wow. suddenly things fall into place. a sort of clever animal with a lot of manual ability, then? like a monkey that has figured out how to type (heh heh).
in which case he might sound very much like "friends", "sex and the city", etc. oh bloggo i must have sex with you, but first i need some new leaves in my hair! oh zumba yes but your blazing eyes make me require fresh sustenance. is there more of this fermented banana?
yes alas. and when they "get married" the little monkeys will require nose jobs music lessons and all the right accessories. and bloggo will have an "affair" with somebody at the "office", and zumba will console herself with a frienzied round of gathering and self-ornamentation possibly folllowed by heavy flirtations with the fellow who does the music lessons. while little pek and mango look on.
i am so sorry planet earth but you are not ready yet. your high technology and philosophical speculations had us fooled for a while, but alas it could not last. like in any statistical distribution, a few of you show gropings towards something more, but how easily conquered by "sex", banana juice, or the guy next door deciding to repaint his house that annoying shade of blue. small concentrations are luck-based and do not last. the animal returns and takes it over very rapidly (see crusades, the doctrine of predestination, manifest destiny, et al.) you do talk very impressively, that we admit.
perhaps another million years or so? in the meantime you won't mind if we confine you to your solar system, i'm sure. genuine mars rocks in all-platinum frame only $5000! just what your "boyfriend" might like for christmas.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
further moralistic observations from outer space
yes, time for more sparkling commentary on planet earth! for instance, while many of its citizens consider themselves religious, or possibly scientific atheists, there is a clear tendency towards unabashed paganism. just regard the easter bunny, santa claus, "uncle sam" et al. under the sheer commercialism of it, which may waylay you, is a greedy wish for endless celebration. if in any doubt, notice the proliferation of newer spring holidays - you can now enjoy guilt-free drunkenness every few weeks until it's warm enough for picnics again!
meanwhile the year descends towards so-called thanksgiving, in which drinking is closely followed by overeating (see christmas), likewise college football. and speaking of a pagan celebration! young men in tights and shoulder pads hurtling against one another as the lone runner strives for the goal. soon to be followed by young men in shorts tossing balls through a basket, young men in stripes hitting balls with a bat, and older men in plaid hitting very small balls with a long expensive stick.
but against the clean apollonian cult of the sporting life is set the dark dionysian mysteries of the so-called "rock" world. youngish men in black leather and eyeliner hurl themselves around stages, often proudly addled with drugs. and do not inquire what happens afterwards! if you doubt the religious overtones, note the swooning "fans", likewise those who will pay hundreds for a souvenir of their idol, preferably signed. a small altar in the corner of the home is nice, and if it gets too crowded, there's always ebay.
we have nothing against pagans on the whole, but it would be nice if they could just admit it. a christmas tree packed with goodies and an "angel" on the top doesn't quite make your priorities clear. no not even if it plays "away in a manger"and comes with matching barstools! (see also easter, if you can even remember that it once had some significance other than chocolate rabbits and candy eggs, hint hint.)
sometimes one suspects their secret wish is to return all the way, a giant ecological disaster and then straight back to full-blown paganism, leaping in the fields, altars everywhere. no more fussing around with attempts at higher civilization: it wasn't much fun, was it?
ah well, a mere 44 shopping days till christmas - the biggest retail season of the year!
meanwhile the year descends towards so-called thanksgiving, in which drinking is closely followed by overeating (see christmas), likewise college football. and speaking of a pagan celebration! young men in tights and shoulder pads hurtling against one another as the lone runner strives for the goal. soon to be followed by young men in shorts tossing balls through a basket, young men in stripes hitting balls with a bat, and older men in plaid hitting very small balls with a long expensive stick.
but against the clean apollonian cult of the sporting life is set the dark dionysian mysteries of the so-called "rock" world. youngish men in black leather and eyeliner hurl themselves around stages, often proudly addled with drugs. and do not inquire what happens afterwards! if you doubt the religious overtones, note the swooning "fans", likewise those who will pay hundreds for a souvenir of their idol, preferably signed. a small altar in the corner of the home is nice, and if it gets too crowded, there's always ebay.
we have nothing against pagans on the whole, but it would be nice if they could just admit it. a christmas tree packed with goodies and an "angel" on the top doesn't quite make your priorities clear. no not even if it plays "away in a manger"and comes with matching barstools! (see also easter, if you can even remember that it once had some significance other than chocolate rabbits and candy eggs, hint hint.)
sometimes one suspects their secret wish is to return all the way, a giant ecological disaster and then straight back to full-blown paganism, leaping in the fields, altars everywhere. no more fussing around with attempts at higher civilization: it wasn't much fun, was it?
ah well, a mere 44 shopping days till christmas - the biggest retail season of the year!
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
the ever-flowing materialization of the world
how is it possible for one person to exist here? it requires endless material, large and small, and every day is a struggle to get through it all! one brings in food and is left with packaging, endless amounts of it, to be sorted and discarded and at best sent off for reprocessing. a pile here of one sort, a pile there of another, to be lugged down stairs and placed in large containers, often already overflowing and poorly sorted.
what else comes in? paper, endless paper, and while that may be reprocessed in toto (a sudden thought of ancestors who had not yet invented plastic), so much of it must be saved, and sorted, and placed in different containers hopefully to be found again when required. a momentary lapse and this process falls far behind, and then there are containers on containers of unsorted or "might need" piling up on every surface, or if lucky shoved into large closet or spare room.
their clothes are nearly as disposable, a year or two and they become unwearable, and as yet cannot be reprocessed, though even recent ancestors would remodel or make rugs of them. but of course this was before they invented plastic. (the shiny surface of the polyester shirt-blend, so lustrous when new, so soon mottled and covered with small unremovable balls of material...)
one is noticing a plastic theme here! and with it one sees one's plastic pens, discardable, one's plastic keyboard, many times replaced due to spills and such, plastic drinking cups that soon become scratched, plastic soapdishes, plastic fans that wear out, etc etc.
but why not buy "quality"? some rich person says, wandering by. my dear sir! quality, alas, COSTS MUCH MORE. the things our ancestors took for granted are now marketed only to the rich, and in an ever-increasing spiral of costliness. drinking item made of glass or ceramic? somewhat more. made of "quality" glass? a lot more. made of "quality" glass with a famous name on it (why, oh why)? you might as well give up.
luckily i was sent to dwell in nigh-on poverty, for down here you see what is real and how it costs us. i must not only purchase, but personally deal with, store and discard all material that comes through, and i see the overflowing containers out back, and smell my neighbors' cooking, and run into them on the stairs as they move their tons of material in and out. (though note that one can acquire many useful items during this process - a privilege unavailable to the rich!)
somebody is yawning and saying, but hasn't this been addressed before? are you rich, by any chance, sir? or perhaps you just live as if you were, with cheap versions of everything and "plastic" of the very best sort, and as if an endless universe in which to discard it all.
it all comes around
in the end
novelty is destruction's best friend
while this may sound puerile
and heavy and dull
and maybe even "religious"
nevertheless, it is
what else comes in? paper, endless paper, and while that may be reprocessed in toto (a sudden thought of ancestors who had not yet invented plastic), so much of it must be saved, and sorted, and placed in different containers hopefully to be found again when required. a momentary lapse and this process falls far behind, and then there are containers on containers of unsorted or "might need" piling up on every surface, or if lucky shoved into large closet or spare room.
their clothes are nearly as disposable, a year or two and they become unwearable, and as yet cannot be reprocessed, though even recent ancestors would remodel or make rugs of them. but of course this was before they invented plastic. (the shiny surface of the polyester shirt-blend, so lustrous when new, so soon mottled and covered with small unremovable balls of material...)
one is noticing a plastic theme here! and with it one sees one's plastic pens, discardable, one's plastic keyboard, many times replaced due to spills and such, plastic drinking cups that soon become scratched, plastic soapdishes, plastic fans that wear out, etc etc.
but why not buy "quality"? some rich person says, wandering by. my dear sir! quality, alas, COSTS MUCH MORE. the things our ancestors took for granted are now marketed only to the rich, and in an ever-increasing spiral of costliness. drinking item made of glass or ceramic? somewhat more. made of "quality" glass? a lot more. made of "quality" glass with a famous name on it (why, oh why)? you might as well give up.
luckily i was sent to dwell in nigh-on poverty, for down here you see what is real and how it costs us. i must not only purchase, but personally deal with, store and discard all material that comes through, and i see the overflowing containers out back, and smell my neighbors' cooking, and run into them on the stairs as they move their tons of material in and out. (though note that one can acquire many useful items during this process - a privilege unavailable to the rich!)
somebody is yawning and saying, but hasn't this been addressed before? are you rich, by any chance, sir? or perhaps you just live as if you were, with cheap versions of everything and "plastic" of the very best sort, and as if an endless universe in which to discard it all.
it all comes around
in the end
novelty is destruction's best friend
while this may sound puerile
and heavy and dull
and maybe even "religious"
nevertheless, it is
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
when you find yourself a-walking in the woods
don't forget to leave behind your lugagge
those suitcases will hold you back
getting caught in trees!
and stumbling over every fallen log
when you're in the bog!
keep your feet dry
don't hesitate to bring along
another pair of shoes
a handkerchief is always handy
for sending signals out
and you might want
a book or two
to while the empty hours away
till someone digs you out
and as you wander through the fields
don't forget your compass
grass is all
so much alike
and there's such a way to go!
and when you make it through the mountains
wrapped inside your blanket
crawling through the snow...
and finally, down below
walking to the shore
waiting waiting
till your ship comes in
and all your things are gone by then
left them all behind
the socks the shoes the syllogisms
the hankie and the hankering
the money and the misery
you won't need them now
don't forget to leave behind your lugagge
those suitcases will hold you back
getting caught in trees!
and stumbling over every fallen log
when you're in the bog!
keep your feet dry
don't hesitate to bring along
another pair of shoes
a handkerchief is always handy
for sending signals out
and you might want
a book or two
to while the empty hours away
till someone digs you out
and as you wander through the fields
don't forget your compass
grass is all
so much alike
and there's such a way to go!
and when you make it through the mountains
wrapped inside your blanket
crawling through the snow...
and finally, down below
walking to the shore
waiting waiting
till your ship comes in
and all your things are gone by then
left them all behind
the socks the shoes the syllogisms
the hankie and the hankering
the money and the misery
you won't need them now
Sunday, October 2, 2011
is it time for a Johnson's Toast break?
it's always time for a Johnson's Toast break!
morning morning noon and night
Johnson's Toast will make it all right
are ye havin a bad day?
ay, tis a long weary road and i cannot go on
why not try some Johnson's Toast?
heartbreak failure beggary
all the ills of mankind
just try a little - Johnson's Toast!
sadness madness misery
desperation all around
suicidal inclinations
waiting for that - morning train
well hang on, brother, just hang on!
here's the Johnson's, you can make it!
here's a loaf, go on, take it!
when all your friends have left you in the lurch
don't waste your time on some old musty church
there nothing for you there!
when even god don't seem to care
bring in the Johnson's, he'll be fine
all his cares will fall away
ooh it's crunchy-brown Johnson's
toasty-good
the best you ever had!!
and life
begins again
with Johnson's
it's always time for a Johnson's Toast break!
morning morning noon and night
Johnson's Toast will make it all right
are ye havin a bad day?
ay, tis a long weary road and i cannot go on
why not try some Johnson's Toast?
heartbreak failure beggary
all the ills of mankind
just try a little - Johnson's Toast!
sadness madness misery
desperation all around
suicidal inclinations
waiting for that - morning train
well hang on, brother, just hang on!
here's the Johnson's, you can make it!
here's a loaf, go on, take it!
when all your friends have left you in the lurch
don't waste your time on some old musty church
there nothing for you there!
when even god don't seem to care
bring in the Johnson's, he'll be fine
all his cares will fall away
ooh it's crunchy-brown Johnson's
toasty-good
the best you ever had!!
and life
begins again
with Johnson's
Friday, September 30, 2011
as the subtle strains of the Johnson's toast jingle faded away, a long silence fell.
toast? he thought, at last. and in the depths of his mind something stirred, reawakened to consciousness after many a year.
toast, luscious toast, drew him upward like the light. the return to life, once so impossible, so meaningless, now effortless, a motion of pure clarity.
on this beautiful earth, there is yet one thing that i cannot leave behind. ye know it! tis Johnson's toastlets.
Even Eternity Waits For Johnson's
toast? he thought, at last. and in the depths of his mind something stirred, reawakened to consciousness after many a year.
toast, luscious toast, drew him upward like the light. the return to life, once so impossible, so meaningless, now effortless, a motion of pure clarity.
on this beautiful earth, there is yet one thing that i cannot leave behind. ye know it! tis Johnson's toastlets.
Even Eternity Waits For Johnson's
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
solitude o solitude
the riches of life - before me!
free at last from the "madding crowd"
an empty space
room to breathe
an empty empty space
room enough for anything
or nothing...
* * * * *
and now a word about toast!
tired of toasting, endless toasting? try Johnson's pre-toasted waferlets. all the richness and quality you expect from toast, with none of the hassle!
with Johnson's for breakfast, we're out the door in no time!
unexpected visitors dropping by at tea-time? no worries! bring out the Johnson's!
Johnson's, Johnson's, Johnson's
it's toast! toast! toast!
the riches of life - before me!
free at last from the "madding crowd"
an empty space
room to breathe
an empty empty space
room enough for anything
or nothing...
* * * * *
and now a word about toast!
tired of toasting, endless toasting? try Johnson's pre-toasted waferlets. all the richness and quality you expect from toast, with none of the hassle!
with Johnson's for breakfast, we're out the door in no time!
unexpected visitors dropping by at tea-time? no worries! bring out the Johnson's!
Johnson's, Johnson's, Johnson's
it's toast! toast! toast!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
weary were we
before we knew
...
uphill and downhill
finding, not finding
waiting, time-filling
looking, not-looking
trying, not-trying
speaking, silence
thinking, not-thinking
time, passing, not-passing
wasting!
back, forward, forward, back
still looking
empty, not-empty
...
self, no-self,
heavy, heavy
life, death!
nothing, nothing
too big, too small
nothing, nothing
...
ruined, ruined
nothing
changes
find, the answer!
nothing
changes
something
missing
before we knew
...
uphill and downhill
finding, not finding
waiting, time-filling
looking, not-looking
trying, not-trying
speaking, silence
thinking, not-thinking
time, passing, not-passing
wasting!
back, forward, forward, back
still looking
empty, not-empty
...
self, no-self,
heavy, heavy
life, death!
nothing, nothing
too big, too small
nothing, nothing
...
ruined, ruined
nothing
changes
find, the answer!
nothing
changes
something
missing
Monday, September 12, 2011
a vasty wasteland of despair
inefficiency. someone at home must have gone on vacation. you may find it hard to believe, but you could send me things that would make my job much easier!
for instance. a metabolic upgrade would be nice. the temperature controls don't work, and it has to eat all the time; it seems all day long to be stuffing itself with toast. otherwise it falls over.
likewise lacking in local currency, getting much harder to come by. please arrange for lottery winning or easy new job.
meanwhile i struggle; full of toast i lurch to the local shipping center to send out used musical items for very small amounts. someone out there is accumulating! why do these ants each need their own plastic disk and included literature to enjoy sonic entertainments? where is the central library?
(note also shipping costs for five men + lackeys, many tons of equipment, etc - the only thing more foolish than mailing out millions of disks is flying in the people that play on them. as so often something backwards here. do they actually like doing everything the wrong way around?)
as for me i continue to amuse myself with the planet's literature, still available in the older "paper" format. though this does create resource issues, some being handled. this era as you know is slowly moving towards self-sufficiency, or possibly self-destruction.
in the meantime i regale myself with lively depictions of the 19th and early 20th century. hard at times to believe these are the same creatures currrently spinning disks and watching screens, surrounded by machinery. despite being very busy they lack all purpose. this may eventually occur to them.
for instance. a metabolic upgrade would be nice. the temperature controls don't work, and it has to eat all the time; it seems all day long to be stuffing itself with toast. otherwise it falls over.
likewise lacking in local currency, getting much harder to come by. please arrange for lottery winning or easy new job.
meanwhile i struggle; full of toast i lurch to the local shipping center to send out used musical items for very small amounts. someone out there is accumulating! why do these ants each need their own plastic disk and included literature to enjoy sonic entertainments? where is the central library?
(note also shipping costs for five men + lackeys, many tons of equipment, etc - the only thing more foolish than mailing out millions of disks is flying in the people that play on them. as so often something backwards here. do they actually like doing everything the wrong way around?)
as for me i continue to amuse myself with the planet's literature, still available in the older "paper" format. though this does create resource issues, some being handled. this era as you know is slowly moving towards self-sufficiency, or possibly self-destruction.
in the meantime i regale myself with lively depictions of the 19th and early 20th century. hard at times to believe these are the same creatures currrently spinning disks and watching screens, surrounded by machinery. despite being very busy they lack all purpose. this may eventually occur to them.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
we came
down to earth
on a friday
drifting softly
through the atmosphere
then
by a bridge
we landed
rolling out across the stream
and in
the morning
stranded
waiting for a reservation
rolling out across the nation
rolling rolling
till the end of time!
and somewhere on the other side
a world of
business
calls its people home
and there they'd better stay
but up there in the
wanderings
rolling round the clouds
rolling rolling all around the world
and someday someday we will be
nothing else but this!
down to earth
on a friday
drifting softly
through the atmosphere
then
by a bridge
we landed
rolling out across the stream
and in
the morning
stranded
waiting for a reservation
rolling out across the nation
rolling rolling
till the end of time!
and somewhere on the other side
a world of
business
calls its people home
and there they'd better stay
but up there in the
wanderings
rolling round the clouds
rolling rolling all around the world
and someday someday we will be
nothing else but this!
Thursday, August 4, 2011
fish like toast!!
did you know that fish like toast? they do! just toast a slice or two of your favorite bread (butter optional) and head for your nearest pond or river. now, hold out the toast. be careful, you may get more than you bargained for! eager toast-seeking fish from miles around will soon be heading your way.
"tis toast they like," says old alfred gamp, man of many waters. you may see him every afternoon on the banks of the river eld, greeting his favorites with an overflowing toast-rack.
"what about muffins?" wonders young ned. "not so's you'd notice," says alf grimly. "they're toast-mad!" "i won't be a wasting this crumpet then!" smirks ned as he saunters off.
"he won't be back," mutters alf, shaking his head. "ah, tis just me now, lads. care for another slice?"
and weary wander home the readers of this story.
* * *
morals never matter
to a fellow who is fatter
when there's toasting to be had it's all for him!
the fish can go a begging
for soon he'll be a legging
off into the corner where he'll eat the whole thing
but someday he will be a fish
and then won't you see him wish
for just a little bit of toasting just for him
and a kinder type of feller
comes along with his umbreller
feeding fishies with a smile rain or shine
and around will go the wheel another time
"tis toast they like," says old alfred gamp, man of many waters. you may see him every afternoon on the banks of the river eld, greeting his favorites with an overflowing toast-rack.
"what about muffins?" wonders young ned. "not so's you'd notice," says alf grimly. "they're toast-mad!" "i won't be a wasting this crumpet then!" smirks ned as he saunters off.
"he won't be back," mutters alf, shaking his head. "ah, tis just me now, lads. care for another slice?"
and weary wander home the readers of this story.
* * *
morals never matter
to a fellow who is fatter
when there's toasting to be had it's all for him!
the fish can go a begging
for soon he'll be a legging
off into the corner where he'll eat the whole thing
but someday he will be a fish
and then won't you see him wish
for just a little bit of toasting just for him
and a kinder type of feller
comes along with his umbreller
feeding fishies with a smile rain or shine
and around will go the wheel another time
Saturday, June 4, 2011
are aliens taking over the universe? i want to know!
aliens are RIGHT HERE in your backyard. how do you know? you don't!
well, what am i supposed to do about it?
nothing!
maybe i'm an alien.
no. definitely not.
how do you know???
think about it.
oh. no way!!
and to think i had you fooled all these years!
seriously??
dude, i report to alpha sigma alpha alpha every day. i have a secret transmitter, right over there in that tree.
woah. how does it work?
it's like this - why not? er...come in alpha sigma! please send transformation beam. ... well??
woah. did you just turn green?
i did. do you like it?
uh...i have to go home now.
i can beam you there if you like.
no, that's ok! i can walk!!
ok dude. just let me know if you need anything from the other side of the galaxy.
yah tell them they can fix my car!! seriously dude i gotta go.
i'll let them know.
and are you any wiser now, little earthling?
aliens are RIGHT HERE in your backyard. how do you know? you don't!
well, what am i supposed to do about it?
nothing!
maybe i'm an alien.
no. definitely not.
how do you know???
think about it.
oh. no way!!
and to think i had you fooled all these years!
seriously??
dude, i report to alpha sigma alpha alpha every day. i have a secret transmitter, right over there in that tree.
woah. how does it work?
it's like this - why not? er...come in alpha sigma! please send transformation beam. ... well??
woah. did you just turn green?
i did. do you like it?
uh...i have to go home now.
i can beam you there if you like.
no, that's ok! i can walk!!
ok dude. just let me know if you need anything from the other side of the galaxy.
yah tell them they can fix my car!! seriously dude i gotta go.
i'll let them know.
and are you any wiser now, little earthling?
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
commemoration
it's dark
out here
and there's nobody
around
wander through the endless streets
nobody, there's nobody
walking through the endless twilight
empty buildings
falling down
and nobody around
out here
and there's nobody
around
wander through the endless streets
nobody, there's nobody
walking through the endless twilight
empty buildings
falling down
and nobody around
Monday, May 9, 2011
the materialization of experience
have you ever had a moment, say with a flower, or a walk at sunset, a moment when everything seems larger or more real, almost speaking to you? well, then you know what the correct response is - put it on facebook! right away! failing that an email or text to the nearest available friend, or at the very least a few well-chosen pictures for your gallery (make sure to spend some time on the right camera setting and angle).
music is also good for this. anytime you seem to be getting somewhere with it, be sure to leap up and make a note of it. your buddy might like this too! take some time to look up his new email address. as for poetry, it's good for memorizing, reading out in funny voices, or looking up online so you can explain exactly what "shelley" was talking about. your friends will be very impressed.
finally, have you considered tweeting from church or other suitable events? pictures of the choir, priest, meditating monks etc will look very nice on flickr. this is guaranteed to end any ineffable or uplifting sensations almost immediately, though you may hang on just long enough for a snappy description. try "i felt my soul soar", or "almost as good as woodstock". even better, "it was beyond words"!
as if!! NOTHING is beyond words, and you may certainly quote me on that. please include link and suitable attribution.
music is also good for this. anytime you seem to be getting somewhere with it, be sure to leap up and make a note of it. your buddy might like this too! take some time to look up his new email address. as for poetry, it's good for memorizing, reading out in funny voices, or looking up online so you can explain exactly what "shelley" was talking about. your friends will be very impressed.
finally, have you considered tweeting from church or other suitable events? pictures of the choir, priest, meditating monks etc will look very nice on flickr. this is guaranteed to end any ineffable or uplifting sensations almost immediately, though you may hang on just long enough for a snappy description. try "i felt my soul soar", or "almost as good as woodstock". even better, "it was beyond words"!
as if!! NOTHING is beyond words, and you may certainly quote me on that. please include link and suitable attribution.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
do people come running up to you and ask for your signature? then you might be a celebrity! on the other hand, you may just be behind on your car payments and about to be repossessed.
***
why are people asking for my signature when they don't even know me? why do they want pictures of me? i'm not even that good-looking. if questions like these torment you, you may BE A CELEBRITY and not even know it!
***
do you often make a complete fool of yourself, perhaps wearing odd clothing while shouting at people, or prancing around in front of a machine? aha. that explains it. that is all you need to become a CELEBRITY here. easy, isn't it?
why would i want to do that??
you don't sound like celebrity material.
***
if you like MONEY then here's an easy way to get it! become a CELEBRITY!! all that's required is an ability to make a fool of yourself in public, and away you go!
i can do that!!
but can you do it day after day? it isn't so easy.
yes! i can do it all day long!
wow, have i got a contract for you.
***
are you a CELEBRITY who's short on MONEY? unlikely, i know. but if so, why not pretend to like products you would never bother with otherwise?
couldn't i just design my own fashion line?
yes!! would you like a perfume contract with that?
***
as a CELEBRITY, i find it hard to get rid of all this superfluous MONEY. what should i do?
have you considered buying your own island? private jets are so passe.
***
dear mister celebrity, would you consider donating to our charity?
sorry, i am on my private island and cannot afford it. however, i offer paid appearances at a very reasonable rate. please contact my agent.
***
why are people asking for my signature when they don't even know me? why do they want pictures of me? i'm not even that good-looking. if questions like these torment you, you may BE A CELEBRITY and not even know it!
***
do you often make a complete fool of yourself, perhaps wearing odd clothing while shouting at people, or prancing around in front of a machine? aha. that explains it. that is all you need to become a CELEBRITY here. easy, isn't it?
why would i want to do that??
you don't sound like celebrity material.
***
if you like MONEY then here's an easy way to get it! become a CELEBRITY!! all that's required is an ability to make a fool of yourself in public, and away you go!
i can do that!!
but can you do it day after day? it isn't so easy.
yes! i can do it all day long!
wow, have i got a contract for you.
***
are you a CELEBRITY who's short on MONEY? unlikely, i know. but if so, why not pretend to like products you would never bother with otherwise?
couldn't i just design my own fashion line?
yes!! would you like a perfume contract with that?
***
as a CELEBRITY, i find it hard to get rid of all this superfluous MONEY. what should i do?
have you considered buying your own island? private jets are so passe.
***
dear mister celebrity, would you consider donating to our charity?
sorry, i am on my private island and cannot afford it. however, i offer paid appearances at a very reasonable rate. please contact my agent.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
new salty sweety crunchy chips! new salty sweety butter-flavored crunchy chips! new salty sweety crunchy chips with extra blueberries! new salty sweety butter-flavored crunchy chips with extra blueberries and a prize in every package!
wow! are they all-natural?
yes!! they are all-natural, refreshing, and just the cooling drink to end your busy day.
i like it!! and what about that prize??
win big! collect a prize from every package and enter in our grand one-time drawing for an award of ONE MILLION DOLLARS!
i'm already there!!
yes, you are. and in the meantime may we purchase your soul for a very cheap price, attractively packaged?
huh what???
that's right, just sign here with one of our extra-new gold-sparkle flibbo pens, guaranteed to draw a crowd, and we'll be away!
can i keep it??
yes!! this pen is ALL YOURS! and we'll even throw in this pad of shiny-glo flibbo paper, featuring all your favorite celebrity characters.
wow!!! it even has dodney duston, the fab new singer that everyone's mad about!!
it does! and soon you'll be joining dodney and the gang in HELL! but don't let that spoil your fun.
spoil it?? i can hardly wait! me, dodney, and a lifetime supply of flibbo pens?! can't i just go now?
patience, my child. for you have many a beverage to drink and product to buy before then. now here is your check for ONE MILLION DOLLARS, and do please close the door as you go.
wow! are they all-natural?
yes!! they are all-natural, refreshing, and just the cooling drink to end your busy day.
i like it!! and what about that prize??
win big! collect a prize from every package and enter in our grand one-time drawing for an award of ONE MILLION DOLLARS!
i'm already there!!
yes, you are. and in the meantime may we purchase your soul for a very cheap price, attractively packaged?
huh what???
that's right, just sign here with one of our extra-new gold-sparkle flibbo pens, guaranteed to draw a crowd, and we'll be away!
can i keep it??
yes!! this pen is ALL YOURS! and we'll even throw in this pad of shiny-glo flibbo paper, featuring all your favorite celebrity characters.
wow!!! it even has dodney duston, the fab new singer that everyone's mad about!!
it does! and soon you'll be joining dodney and the gang in HELL! but don't let that spoil your fun.
spoil it?? i can hardly wait! me, dodney, and a lifetime supply of flibbo pens?! can't i just go now?
patience, my child. for you have many a beverage to drink and product to buy before then. now here is your check for ONE MILLION DOLLARS, and do please close the door as you go.
Friday, January 21, 2011
nowhere
there's a world somewhere that insists on being left to itself. no visitors welcome! if its out-of-the-way location, odd atmospheric disturbances and lack of favorable landing zones don't put you off, we can guarantee that you won't stay long.
before you even land, everything is shutting down, and by the time you get there it's nothing but cold, dark and dreary, nothing to be seen. the lights go out, the trees droop, moving creatures go dormant and hide in burrows, very deep and hard to find. just a bunch of dreary droopy trees and not much else. it starts raining.
most people just leave then. nothing here.
anyone who persists finds it increasingly uncomfortable. bogs appear and get stepped into. stinging plants spring up in all the pathways. wet things drop on your head, sticky and smelly and hard to remove.
anyone still here?
next come the landslides (only where no burrows are, of course) and the rolling moss that bites you. your campsite or prefab hut is built on quicksand and you return to find it sinking fast. was that an earthquake? lightning may flash as you run for your spaceship and you will feel very lucky to get out of there. tell your friends! they won't want to visit.
and all for nothing, a waste of good equipment and time and money. and no useful samples, no valuable minerals, no photo-worthy scenery or quaint native specimens, zero development potential as anything at all! unless you like mud and bad smalls and nasty stinging plants everywhere. yuck!
and off they go very relieved heading for planet resort or planet nervous breakdown recovery treatment center. and the lights go on again, the rain stops, the nettles fade away, the trees straighten up, and finally the animals wake up and come out again.
and the planet goes back to sleep.
before you even land, everything is shutting down, and by the time you get there it's nothing but cold, dark and dreary, nothing to be seen. the lights go out, the trees droop, moving creatures go dormant and hide in burrows, very deep and hard to find. just a bunch of dreary droopy trees and not much else. it starts raining.
most people just leave then. nothing here.
anyone who persists finds it increasingly uncomfortable. bogs appear and get stepped into. stinging plants spring up in all the pathways. wet things drop on your head, sticky and smelly and hard to remove.
anyone still here?
next come the landslides (only where no burrows are, of course) and the rolling moss that bites you. your campsite or prefab hut is built on quicksand and you return to find it sinking fast. was that an earthquake? lightning may flash as you run for your spaceship and you will feel very lucky to get out of there. tell your friends! they won't want to visit.
and all for nothing, a waste of good equipment and time and money. and no useful samples, no valuable minerals, no photo-worthy scenery or quaint native specimens, zero development potential as anything at all! unless you like mud and bad smalls and nasty stinging plants everywhere. yuck!
and off they go very relieved heading for planet resort or planet nervous breakdown recovery treatment center. and the lights go on again, the rain stops, the nettles fade away, the trees straighten up, and finally the animals wake up and come out again.
and the planet goes back to sleep.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
time
as noon approaches in your so-called "mean time" for one instantaneous moment it is the same day everywhere, it may even be sunday. saturday departs as monday arrives, a few feet apart across some imaginary line, with the sun just the same in the sky. hello, neighbor, what day is it? it's sunday over here! well that may be, but it's monday for me, back to work! or should i come on over for an extra day of weekend?
and at the imaginary poles it's evening on one side and morning on the other, you're having morning coffee while i'm having my after-dinner drink. wow, can i come across and join you? and by hopping back and forth the day can go on forever. or perhaps just sit on the pole where it must be no time at all.
and how arbitrary it all is! just do the math. ok, you have a limiting set of information to work with, your earth only rotates so fast and orbits just the way it does, but do the math. why 24 and 60, why not 32 and 45, or 15 and 96? or indeed 6 days with 35 hours, 48 minutes in each? well, no, that leaves the sun behind. even in modern techo-society it's nice to have the sun overhead at noon o'clock (or a mere one hour off it in summer). though, if it turned out to be that much better for business it might still happen. if there's more money to be extracted from people's work and people's spending, why not 5 days with 32 hours of 63 minutes, or indeed 10 days with 16 hours each? rich people don't live in world time anyway, they're always in their private jets or climate-controlled mansions, they don't care! who needs the sun when you have the deluxe super-sunroom, and who needs to worry about time at all when people must wait for you?
so on this arbitrary day of an arbitrary and awkwardly mathematical year, "leaping" around every four unless divisible by 4 and not by 100, unless it's by 400, this so-called "sunday" that so far entirely lacks sun, here in zone GMT-8 and god knows what they're doing in greenwich or why i should care. in any case, it may be 7?? in the "morning" here but my body clock seems to consider it practically midday, and while my neighbors recover from saturday-night hangovers or head off to church (possibly even both in one lifetime!) i look out at gray and wish it were bedtime already, with merely a long 15 hours or 900 minutes to go.
sometimes i wish
i'd been assigned back in time
in a place without a clock
and no one running around
making money!
but then i wouldn't have this
bathtub
or this tv i never watch
or this computer i'm
typing on
and at the imaginary poles it's evening on one side and morning on the other, you're having morning coffee while i'm having my after-dinner drink. wow, can i come across and join you? and by hopping back and forth the day can go on forever. or perhaps just sit on the pole where it must be no time at all.
and how arbitrary it all is! just do the math. ok, you have a limiting set of information to work with, your earth only rotates so fast and orbits just the way it does, but do the math. why 24 and 60, why not 32 and 45, or 15 and 96? or indeed 6 days with 35 hours, 48 minutes in each? well, no, that leaves the sun behind. even in modern techo-society it's nice to have the sun overhead at noon o'clock (or a mere one hour off it in summer). though, if it turned out to be that much better for business it might still happen. if there's more money to be extracted from people's work and people's spending, why not 5 days with 32 hours of 63 minutes, or indeed 10 days with 16 hours each? rich people don't live in world time anyway, they're always in their private jets or climate-controlled mansions, they don't care! who needs the sun when you have the deluxe super-sunroom, and who needs to worry about time at all when people must wait for you?
so on this arbitrary day of an arbitrary and awkwardly mathematical year, "leaping" around every four unless divisible by 4 and not by 100, unless it's by 400, this so-called "sunday" that so far entirely lacks sun, here in zone GMT-8 and god knows what they're doing in greenwich or why i should care. in any case, it may be 7?? in the "morning" here but my body clock seems to consider it practically midday, and while my neighbors recover from saturday-night hangovers or head off to church (possibly even both in one lifetime!) i look out at gray and wish it were bedtime already, with merely a long 15 hours or 900 minutes to go.
sometimes i wish
i'd been assigned back in time
in a place without a clock
and no one running around
making money!
but then i wouldn't have this
bathtub
or this tv i never watch
or this computer i'm
typing on
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