Sunday, July 26, 2015

midsummer marketing

envelopes a la mode
the finest parchment, with double seal and optional monogram. all covered in rich vanilla ice cream!

cheeseburger history
a concise description of western europe between 1572 and 1819, or a delicious fresh burger with three kinds of cheese? you make the call.! (bacon optional.)

gravity-free wall art
love collecting fine art, but tired of having to lug it around? now, moving is a breeze with our gravity-free collection of old masters, impressionists, and more! to install, merely "think" it into place. warning: avoid open windows or the high setting on your central a/c.

optional feet
sick of dirty marks on your rugs, sweaty socks on your nice new coffee table, and all the rest? now, order new optional feet and do away with all that! there when you want them, not when you don't.

it may look like an old cardboard tube, but you wait and see! roll-a-mo can juggle, pet-sit, and do your taxes (1040 A and EZ only). it creates new tv shows! it cleans the shower! it even drives the car! you'll wonder how you ever lived without it! only $9.99 + $5 s/h (within the continental US).

Saturday, April 25, 2015

our new spring product line

USB nose spray
tired of lugging around that old-fashioned AC adaptor? well, with new USB nose spray, just plug and go! works in any USB outlet - laptop, desktop, tablet, even your brand new smartphone! in seconds you'll be experiencing nasal relief.

potato-flavored socks
delicious side dish or handy liner for your shoes? you be the judge!

souvenir toothpaste
now, brush your teeth with the logo of your favorite monument or resort right on the tube! teeth just feel cleaner when your favorite beach or campground is nearby. or let the eiffel tower make them whiter than white! freshen your breath with the soaring vistas of mount rainier! makes a great gift for friends and family.

cheese in a bag
you think it's obvious? well, picture this. the finest bag of imported cashmere with solid-gold designer logos on both sides! inside, an assortment of the world's most select cheeses. available in 1, 5 and 10-pound sizes.

Balloon For A Day
make any household object into a fun, decorative balloon. just attach Balloon For A Day, and go! your coffee mug, toothbrush holder, file cabinet or similar is filled with top-quality helium and floats to the ceiling, where it remains for a full 24 hours. your friends will be amazed!! warning: does not work on toast, pets, or your mother-in-law.

do you like astronomy? and a lovely floral arrangement? well, who doesn't! now have them both in one with Bouquet-o-Stars! comets, nebulae, and colorful suns from every position on the morgan-keenan spectrum adorn a hand-crafted ceramic vase. great for the livingroom, diningroom, or "just anywhere". plus, all-natural stellar light will save you hundreds on your electricity bill!

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

is your home too quiet? that eerie can't concentrate. you need Door-Banger!

just attach Door-Banger to one or more inside doors of your house or apartment (bathrooms included), and we guarantee that within minutes you'll be able to relax! Door-Banger's patented "randomizer" picks the time - just when you're least expecting it! loud slams vibrate the very foundations of your home or office. wow, it's like thunder! or, for a lighter disturbance, set Door-Banger to "repeat" mode, and enjoy a series of bangs and crashes lasting up to 20 minutes! you can't lose with Door-Banger.


new, from the folks that brought you Door-Banger, it's Random Radio! turns itself on and off up to 50 times per hour! you never know what station you'll get - or how loud! give your home that lived-in feel.

and now - with motion detection! as you reach to shut off that annoying noise (is it FOX? greatest hits of the 70s?) Random Radio MOVES AWAY FROM YOU! oh no, what do i do now??? plus, set to "max" and it will also INCREASE THE VOLUME! you can't lose!!


and finally our newest product, Backfiring Car! also includes "stuck alarm" and "grinding brakes" settings. wake up the whole neighborhood with this authentic-looking junker that fits easily into your driveway, on-street parking or side yard. ladies like the "El Camino" model! add extra rust and spare tires for that "visual noise" effect, or a half-empty box of tools to imply that "you're really going to fix it soon". there won't be a dull moment with Backfiring Car around!

Monday, January 19, 2015

New Products for a New Year!

The Cheese Locker
hands off my cheese!

Flat Feet
for level surfaces

The Aquatic Chandelier
a vast transparent globe houses a wonderland of tropical fish, many of them luminous. auto-home takes care of all the maintenance.

The Super Cheese Magnifier!
well like it says

for pigs only

a city in Oregonia

Parker Pilgrim
takes the nearest road to canterbury and you never see him again

Odorless Mustard
for stealth snacking

The Flying Coffeepot
never take another step!

All's Well That Ends Well
so they say

Saturday, January 3, 2015

all these...and more

when i'm a poet
i want to name flowers
like robert byron
i know a lot of them!

maybe i should name computer accessories instead

if i have a son, i will show him
"burning ROM" by nero
the hewlett packard deskjet 500
ms office 2002, 2005, and 2020

he will wander the valleys of the yellow network cable
ay, and the orange
neatly coiled in yonder drawer
old modems will please him, the supra 2400, yea even the 1200!
that was many years ago

and he will surpass his progenitors
unafraid, he stalks the ways of wifi
a network hub is old hat to him

together, we will go to the coffee shop
in spring, or autumn
when the leaves are red
and will ask for the password
and set up our laptops
and together "surf the web"
he cringes when i say that, you know
nobody says that any more
nobody uses dumb old flip phones

well, excuse me!
he doesn't even get my steve martin imitation
but while he is young, i shall show him
monty python
and the carol burnett show

all these i learnt as a child (sic)
they recall a time, or a place
probably the daybed in my mother's livingroom
with the small portable tv
or possibly some "con" i attended much later on
the child cringes again
how could you?
boy, you got to take it where you can find it
at least i don't spend all day in video arcades
well duh, neither do i
that is so 80s
well, excuse me!