Tuesday, December 31, 2013

belated update from alien headquarters

we are happy to announce a change in the management! no more dour screeds condemning important personages, undermining the one true faith of materialism, etc. ha, ha, no!! no, we like materialism. we like to help you with it. we like all your wonderful ideas! we are very glad to welcome you to entry into the galactic consortium of advanced beings and world rulers.

it's true! you passed all the tests! you are the most advanced race in your entire sector! you may have suspected this already, but we are happy to confirm it, and present you with this illuminated scroll and an advance of 5000000000 galactic credits for your account. the galactic super-mall will soon be arriving in your system, and it will be TIME TO SHOP!!!

advanced beings such as yourselves will want to immediately acquire some of our "head first" technology. with it, you need never leave home at all. or, leave anytime! you can "beam in" anywhere you like - party, rock club, tropical beach - for only a very small charge. but slow down! there's so much more! you may want to change your look from time to time, and we can help with that! want to be tall and slender, like that person in high school you disliked so much? now you can! eternal youth! purple hair! four arms! why not?!?!? and the interest rates are extremely reasonable.

a few other things may appeal to the discriminating, such as "godlike power", the "night of mysteries" and so on. don't worry! they are absolutely safe, and just a bit more expensive than our regular stock. we guarantee it!

finally, you may enjoy educating primitive backwards people on other worlds, now that you are one of the GALACTIC ELITE. we would love to send you out there to explain the nobility of "being human", complete with tears, hugs, and drinks with scotty and bones, just like that episode of star trek. or, take a bible along! you will find it very popular with nearly any race. in no time at all, no more adultery!! simple tents, camping gear, and "pacifiers" included - just in case the natives get uppity. our friendly ships will be happy to arrange pickup of any native "rocks" or other oddities you may find while spreading the good news!

yes, membership of the GALACTIC CONSORTIUM is a great responsibility, but we think you will be up to it. attend meetings with the planners of the future! clear out "space debris" alongside hardworking ships from many other worlds. the work is fun, and so easy too! and the rewards are limitless.