Tuesday, December 31, 2013

belated update from alien headquarters

we are happy to announce a change in the management! no more dour screeds condemning important personages, undermining the one true faith of materialism, etc. ha, ha, no!! no, we like materialism. we like to help you with it. we like all your wonderful ideas! we are very glad to welcome you to entry into the galactic consortium of advanced beings and world rulers.

it's true! you passed all the tests! you are the most advanced race in your entire sector! you may have suspected this already, but we are happy to confirm it, and present you with this illuminated scroll and an advance of 5000000000 galactic credits for your account. the galactic super-mall will soon be arriving in your system, and it will be TIME TO SHOP!!!

advanced beings such as yourselves will want to immediately acquire some of our "head first" technology. with it, you need never leave home at all. or, leave anytime! you can "beam in" anywhere you like - party, rock club, tropical beach - for only a very small charge. but slow down! there's so much more! you may want to change your look from time to time, and we can help with that! want to be tall and slender, like that person in high school you disliked so much? now you can! eternal youth! purple hair! four arms! why not?!?!? and the interest rates are extremely reasonable.

a few other things may appeal to the discriminating, such as "godlike power", the "night of mysteries" and so on. don't worry! they are absolutely safe, and just a bit more expensive than our regular stock. we guarantee it!

finally, you may enjoy educating primitive backwards people on other worlds, now that you are one of the GALACTIC ELITE. we would love to send you out there to explain the nobility of "being human", complete with tears, hugs, and drinks with scotty and bones, just like that episode of star trek. or, take a bible along! you will find it very popular with nearly any race. in no time at all, no more adultery!! simple tents, camping gear, and "pacifiers" included - just in case the natives get uppity. our friendly ships will be happy to arrange pickup of any native "rocks" or other oddities you may find while spreading the good news!

yes, membership of the GALACTIC CONSORTIUM is a great responsibility, but we think you will be up to it. attend meetings with the planners of the future! clear out "space debris" alongside hardworking ships from many other worlds. the work is fun, and so easy too! and the rewards are limitless.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

more products!!

choc-o-noodle soup
ever had a craving for rich dark chocolate, or a hearty fills-you-up bowl of soup? well, now you can have them IN ONE! savory, satisfying noodle soup, in a creamy chocolate broth. wow!! just add hot water, and in five minutes you'll be enjoying a rich, steaming treat.

nonalcoholic garlic toast
tired of morning-after suffering? and yet you just can't resist the rich buttery taste...just one more piece! oh, man, my head!! well, now you can eat the whole loaf and still wake up clear-headed and ready to go! get ahead of the competition - avoid those embarrassing faux pas - hangover-free indulgence awaits!

coffee nuts
like the crunch of delicious roasted nuts? like the rich flavor and head-clearing rush of a good cup of coffee? you guessed it, they're now combined! coffee nuts go everywhere, they're discreet and easy to eat, and best of all, they're SO CRUNCHY! snack on the go, no more wasting time in line at starbucks - you want it now!

fruit-free pretzels
so you enjoy a handful of crunchy, salty pretzels, fresh from the oven, but you're sick of all that fruit? well, do we have a treat for you! these new pretzels are guaranteed ABSOLUTELY FRUIT-FREE! if you find even one piece of fruit in them, we'll give you double your money back! at last, peace of mind.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

new products!

Compos Mintis - breath refreshment for sane people! and for the crazier folk, try new Non Compos Mintis.

wildebeens - they grow and grow!

like cheese? like fresh air? new Chedda-Breez will make your day! wafts of fresh cheese flavor in a cooling airflow - i'm relaxed, i'm satisfied. yes, Chedda-Breez does it all!

and for the home...

Lampo! converts from a handy flashlight to an all-in-one home lighting system in less than 30 seconds!

Gravy, the Gravelier. converts from a delicious vegetarian gravy to a majestic three-tier chandelier...and back!

Fluctuo, the Void. converts from a comfy pair of house slippers to a roaring vacuum in one minute flat!

Monday, August 19, 2013


as an artist, art is what i like to do most. it's my passion! the thrill of inspiration, the immersion in the work, hours going by unnoticed as i feverishly seek to put my vision on canvas. i feel so alive! so real! so important!

this afternoon i was walking back from the store and i saw a homeless man sitting there with his hat out. at once an idea began to possess me. the droop of his shoulders, the ineffable look of hopelessness on his face - i had to capture it. feverishly, i ran the rest of the way home and began scribbling on paper. would the #2 charcoal do? yes, it gave me just the right line. a heavy shading, a hint of clouds or perhaps open sky in the background, the sense of a rising wind, alone in emptiness. "despair" i would call it, or "nothing left to lose". the tears rose to my eyes as i saw how moving it would be, there in the gallery alongside "three dead men", "a rose for bonita" and other recent works.

signing my creation with a flourish, i reluctantly left the studio to attend a reception downtown. it would be a dull and pointless evening, if well-catered, but who knew when inspiration might strike again, there among the palms - perhaps i would see a lost child, a stray dog, an old woman unable to get her wheelchair through the revolving doors. there were so many possibilities! i was moved even as i thought of it, and longed to return to my canvas. but the taxi was waiting, and i must go!

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Johnson's - the return

all was quiet on the toast market for many a year, nothing but Dryman's, Soggeez, No'Buttr, and the like. it wasn't much of a choice. "i feel dead" complained douglas, confronted with this ghastly array. "i wish i were!' countered timothy, who was just old enough to remember the glorious pre-war days of Johnson's.

"do you remember..." he began wistfully, and douglas's eyes lit up. "oh, those golden afternoons." "it wasn't just youth, was it? it was Johnson's Toast!" "it was!" "oh, i'd look forward to it all day." "it went with everything!" "made everything better!"

to see these two old men in tears was more than i could bear. i had taken everything from them, their youth, their health, their livelihoods, left them broken and sere, worn before their time. i had done them wrong! it was too late now to return their golden locks, their springy vigor, that youthful hope and dedication...but i could at least give them toast!

oh god, turn back the clock for me! i cried. and somewhere far away, a year or two ago, the wheels began to turn again, and a glorious new Johnson's factory arose from the barren plain. soon, the trucks went out again, to north and south, east and west, from the halls of academe to the useful repair shops and small home businesses, the cafeterias and waiting rooms, the small-town parks and sports arenas. a knock on the door, that special double-rap, that gladdens the heart of man, for it is teatime (or afternoon coffee if you prefer), and here is the Johnson's! away, ye Soggeez, ye Dryman! i shall hurl you from this world, yea into into the very void, and usher in a new era of peace and prosperity.

two old men wept for joy, looking heavenward, their shaking hands holding each a slice of fresh, rich new Johnson's, guaranteed crisp, never flaky. you can eat it on a bench, no mess! take it anywhere! try all three flavors - one's sure to please!

and i, i knew i had done right. i had repented my age-old sin, my rebellion against the highest. i bowed my humble head. now i would serve for all time - serve them with Johnson's Toast!

Saturday, April 27, 2013

poetry under interference

stuck beside a keyboard i
struggle to combine
the narrows of the gap it hinders
and something something mine

connect within the willow (?) spheres
and carry through the line
an end that something interfaces
and something something blind

rise into the something something
and carry on the line
something always interferes
and something something mine