have you ever had a moment, say with a flower, or a walk at sunset, a moment when everything seems larger or more real, almost speaking to you? well, then you know what the correct response is - put it on facebook! right away! failing that an email or text to the nearest available friend, or at the very least a few well-chosen pictures for your gallery (make sure to spend some time on the right camera setting and angle).
music is also good for this. anytime you seem to be getting somewhere with it, be sure to leap up and make a note of it. your buddy might like this too! take some time to look up his new email address. as for poetry, it's good for memorizing, reading out in funny voices, or looking up online so you can explain exactly what "shelley" was talking about. your friends will be very impressed.
finally, have you considered tweeting from church or other suitable events? pictures of the choir, priest, meditating monks etc will look very nice on flickr. this is guaranteed to end any ineffable or uplifting sensations almost immediately, though you may hang on just long enough for a snappy description. try "i felt my soul soar", or "almost as good as woodstock". even better, "it was beyond words"!
as if!! NOTHING is beyond words, and you may certainly quote me on that. please include link and suitable attribution.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
do people come running up to you and ask for your signature? then you might be a celebrity! on the other hand, you may just be behind on your car payments and about to be repossessed.
***
why are people asking for my signature when they don't even know me? why do they want pictures of me? i'm not even that good-looking. if questions like these torment you, you may BE A CELEBRITY and not even know it!
***
do you often make a complete fool of yourself, perhaps wearing odd clothing while shouting at people, or prancing around in front of a machine? aha. that explains it. that is all you need to become a CELEBRITY here. easy, isn't it?
why would i want to do that??
you don't sound like celebrity material.
***
if you like MONEY then here's an easy way to get it! become a CELEBRITY!! all that's required is an ability to make a fool of yourself in public, and away you go!
i can do that!!
but can you do it day after day? it isn't so easy.
yes! i can do it all day long!
wow, have i got a contract for you.
***
are you a CELEBRITY who's short on MONEY? unlikely, i know. but if so, why not pretend to like products you would never bother with otherwise?
couldn't i just design my own fashion line?
yes!! would you like a perfume contract with that?
***
as a CELEBRITY, i find it hard to get rid of all this superfluous MONEY. what should i do?
have you considered buying your own island? private jets are so passe.
***
dear mister celebrity, would you consider donating to our charity?
sorry, i am on my private island and cannot afford it. however, i offer paid appearances at a very reasonable rate. please contact my agent.
***
why are people asking for my signature when they don't even know me? why do they want pictures of me? i'm not even that good-looking. if questions like these torment you, you may BE A CELEBRITY and not even know it!
***
do you often make a complete fool of yourself, perhaps wearing odd clothing while shouting at people, or prancing around in front of a machine? aha. that explains it. that is all you need to become a CELEBRITY here. easy, isn't it?
why would i want to do that??
you don't sound like celebrity material.
***
if you like MONEY then here's an easy way to get it! become a CELEBRITY!! all that's required is an ability to make a fool of yourself in public, and away you go!
i can do that!!
but can you do it day after day? it isn't so easy.
yes! i can do it all day long!
wow, have i got a contract for you.
***
are you a CELEBRITY who's short on MONEY? unlikely, i know. but if so, why not pretend to like products you would never bother with otherwise?
couldn't i just design my own fashion line?
yes!! would you like a perfume contract with that?
***
as a CELEBRITY, i find it hard to get rid of all this superfluous MONEY. what should i do?
have you considered buying your own island? private jets are so passe.
***
dear mister celebrity, would you consider donating to our charity?
sorry, i am on my private island and cannot afford it. however, i offer paid appearances at a very reasonable rate. please contact my agent.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
new salty sweety crunchy chips! new salty sweety butter-flavored crunchy chips! new salty sweety crunchy chips with extra blueberries! new salty sweety butter-flavored crunchy chips with extra blueberries and a prize in every package!
wow! are they all-natural?
yes!! they are all-natural, refreshing, and just the cooling drink to end your busy day.
i like it!! and what about that prize??
win big! collect a prize from every package and enter in our grand one-time drawing for an award of ONE MILLION DOLLARS!
i'm already there!!
yes, you are. and in the meantime may we purchase your soul for a very cheap price, attractively packaged?
huh what???
that's right, just sign here with one of our extra-new gold-sparkle flibbo pens, guaranteed to draw a crowd, and we'll be away!
can i keep it??
yes!! this pen is ALL YOURS! and we'll even throw in this pad of shiny-glo flibbo paper, featuring all your favorite celebrity characters.
wow!!! it even has dodney duston, the fab new singer that everyone's mad about!!
it does! and soon you'll be joining dodney and the gang in HELL! but don't let that spoil your fun.
spoil it?? i can hardly wait! me, dodney, and a lifetime supply of flibbo pens?! can't i just go now?
patience, my child. for you have many a beverage to drink and product to buy before then. now here is your check for ONE MILLION DOLLARS, and do please close the door as you go.
wow! are they all-natural?
yes!! they are all-natural, refreshing, and just the cooling drink to end your busy day.
i like it!! and what about that prize??
win big! collect a prize from every package and enter in our grand one-time drawing for an award of ONE MILLION DOLLARS!
i'm already there!!
yes, you are. and in the meantime may we purchase your soul for a very cheap price, attractively packaged?
huh what???
that's right, just sign here with one of our extra-new gold-sparkle flibbo pens, guaranteed to draw a crowd, and we'll be away!
can i keep it??
yes!! this pen is ALL YOURS! and we'll even throw in this pad of shiny-glo flibbo paper, featuring all your favorite celebrity characters.
wow!!! it even has dodney duston, the fab new singer that everyone's mad about!!
it does! and soon you'll be joining dodney and the gang in HELL! but don't let that spoil your fun.
spoil it?? i can hardly wait! me, dodney, and a lifetime supply of flibbo pens?! can't i just go now?
patience, my child. for you have many a beverage to drink and product to buy before then. now here is your check for ONE MILLION DOLLARS, and do please close the door as you go.
Friday, January 21, 2011
nowhere
there's a world somewhere that insists on being left to itself. no visitors welcome! if its out-of-the-way location, odd atmospheric disturbances and lack of favorable landing zones don't put you off, we can guarantee that you won't stay long.
before you even land, everything is shutting down, and by the time you get there it's nothing but cold, dark and dreary, nothing to be seen. the lights go out, the trees droop, moving creatures go dormant and hide in burrows, very deep and hard to find. just a bunch of dreary droopy trees and not much else. it starts raining.
most people just leave then. nothing here.
anyone who persists finds it increasingly uncomfortable. bogs appear and get stepped into. stinging plants spring up in all the pathways. wet things drop on your head, sticky and smelly and hard to remove.
anyone still here?
next come the landslides (only where no burrows are, of course) and the rolling moss that bites you. your campsite or prefab hut is built on quicksand and you return to find it sinking fast. was that an earthquake? lightning may flash as you run for your spaceship and you will feel very lucky to get out of there. tell your friends! they won't want to visit.
and all for nothing, a waste of good equipment and time and money. and no useful samples, no valuable minerals, no photo-worthy scenery or quaint native specimens, zero development potential as anything at all! unless you like mud and bad smalls and nasty stinging plants everywhere. yuck!
and off they go very relieved heading for planet resort or planet nervous breakdown recovery treatment center. and the lights go on again, the rain stops, the nettles fade away, the trees straighten up, and finally the animals wake up and come out again.
and the planet goes back to sleep.
before you even land, everything is shutting down, and by the time you get there it's nothing but cold, dark and dreary, nothing to be seen. the lights go out, the trees droop, moving creatures go dormant and hide in burrows, very deep and hard to find. just a bunch of dreary droopy trees and not much else. it starts raining.
most people just leave then. nothing here.
anyone who persists finds it increasingly uncomfortable. bogs appear and get stepped into. stinging plants spring up in all the pathways. wet things drop on your head, sticky and smelly and hard to remove.
anyone still here?
next come the landslides (only where no burrows are, of course) and the rolling moss that bites you. your campsite or prefab hut is built on quicksand and you return to find it sinking fast. was that an earthquake? lightning may flash as you run for your spaceship and you will feel very lucky to get out of there. tell your friends! they won't want to visit.
and all for nothing, a waste of good equipment and time and money. and no useful samples, no valuable minerals, no photo-worthy scenery or quaint native specimens, zero development potential as anything at all! unless you like mud and bad smalls and nasty stinging plants everywhere. yuck!
and off they go very relieved heading for planet resort or planet nervous breakdown recovery treatment center. and the lights go on again, the rain stops, the nettles fade away, the trees straighten up, and finally the animals wake up and come out again.
and the planet goes back to sleep.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
play it
light -
streaming through the doorway
talking to the darkness
keeping it away
filling up the time
steadying the ground
danger all around
trying to get by it
thinking with the rain
waiting for the moment
breaking down the walls
emptying the fortress
filling up the room
waiting for the rain
streaming through the doorway
talking to the darkness
keeping it away
filling up the time
steadying the ground
danger all around
trying to get by it
thinking with the rain
waiting for the moment
breaking down the walls
emptying the fortress
filling up the room
waiting for the rain
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