Interstellar Lottery 2025

 Tonight, the results of the long awaited PRIZE DRAWING for the local Centauri cluster!

 First, Moxx Wotten of Proxima Centauri III has won the FlashTost Mega antimatter toaster!  Yes, toast in a flash can be yours, Moxx, and you'll never need a new battery!  Guaranteed for 50,000,000 years.

Nest up, we have...Zork Murimine of Barnard's Star planet six.  Zork, you've won the your very own PERPETUAL MOTION MACHINE!  Amaze your friends and neighbprs as they watch the Mini PerpMo spin and spin...no batteries required!  Take it on a hike!  Leave it to your grandchildren!  Guaranteed to go FOREVER, or the heat death of the universe, whichever comes first.

And finally, our grand-prize winner, Elisabeth Perrin of Seattle WA, planet Earth, "Sol" (as the locals know it).  Elisabeth, you have won your very own ANTI-GRAVITY MACHINE!  If you ever wanted that floating feeling...here it is!  With the GravMaster 2200, you can walk up walls, drift 'neath the stars...whatever you like.  Sleep on the ceiling!  Reconnoitre Mount Everest! With GravMaster 2200, the world is yours!

 

aspects of the world

the stormy night, the magic dream

the cavern, empty, left behind

the sound of someone borrowing

starlight, pebble, fallen tide

raking seasons

by the side

all-new products!

four-dimensional calendar

colorful orbs representing dates far and near 'bounce" in and out of a non-linear matrix.  easy look-up of all forthcoming appointments.

magnetic socks

stick to all ferrous metal objects.  as a bonus, easily tell cheap aluminum pan from real steel. 

intersteller telephone

includes its own built-in radio telescope!  just leave a message and we will get back to you in 4.3 years.

floating alarm clock

hovers near the ceiling or "right up close" to your ear.  premium model automatically adjusts volume.

Johnson's Toast 2124

As the lightweight solar-powered aircars fly by, the new Johnson's banner is slowly wafted across the sky.  "INTO THE FUTURE - WITH JOHNSON'S!"  And looking through a time portal back in 2024, hope again rises.  Not the blasted wilderness we feared, the toxic hellish desert, but a beautiful green world of water and trees, birds and buttercups...people in comfortable natural fibers, with happy smiles on their ruddy faces.  Yes, the air is still a little warm, but step inside this naturally cooled all-stone building and prepare to enjoy the HOT FRESH TASTE of Johnson's! Two-for-one sale all week!

A Stale Tale

Oh the sailor makes it staler 

when it comes the time to tell 

the stalest tale ever told 

a tale that's just like hell!

 

When he tells about a tailor 

oh it's getting ever staler

that stalest tale ever told 

that the sailor came to tell.

 

Well, he puts it in a mailer, 

that stale tale of a tailor

that is told by that old sailor.

Oh we're ringing out the knell. 

 

As the light is growing paler 

and he's sending off the mailer

with that old tale of a tailor

oh that very stale tale 

that the sailor did so tell.

 

It's a failer, that old mailer

with the tale of a tailor - 

right back to that old sailor

and he's letting out out a yell!

"Can't I never tell my tale? Oh I know it's just a little stale..."

Well I never saw a staler, 

not a staler tale, nor a tailor, 

nor indeed that bad old mailer - 

sent it right back to that sailor 

by the turning of the bell.

 

With a note that read, oh sailor

do you never tell that tailor

that you used his tale (and mailer)

for he would not let you dwell

any longer in this vale here

and no more we'd hear your tale, dear...

and that would be just swell.

going out of business sale

annihilate time and space with the Magic Void! instantly opens up a raging vacuum, where nothing can survive! had enough of "timelessness"? just turn the dial the other way and it's home sweet home again, just like you left it! your mom won't even notice you were gone.

experience eternity with the Sun-O-Matic! all moments are folded into one, and a blissful floating feeling ensues. as a bonus, everyone you've ever known will be there.

Erase-My-Past. always popular.

NEW!! - No-Future. experience total hopelessness and despair. for bored people who have everything.

midsummer marketing

envelopes a la mode
the finest parchment, with double seal and optional monogram. all covered in rich vanilla ice cream!

cheeseburger history
a concise description of western europe between 1572 and 1819, or a delicious fresh burger with three kinds of cheese? you make the call.! (bacon optional.)

gravity-free wall art
love collecting fine art, but tired of having to lug it around? now, moving is a breeze with our gravity-free collection of old masters, impressionists, and more! to install, merely "think" it into place. warning: avoid open windows or the high setting on your central a/c.

optional feet
sick of dirty marks on your rugs, sweaty socks on your nice new coffee table, and all the rest? now, order new optional feet and do away with all that! there when you want them, not when you don't.

roll-a-mo
it may look like an old cardboard tube, but you wait and see! roll-a-mo can juggle, pet-sit, and do your taxes (1040 A and EZ only). it creates new tv shows! it cleans the shower! it even drives the car! you'll wonder how you ever lived without it! only $9.99 + $5 s/h (within the continental US).