all-new products!

dysfunctional tissue dispenser -- guaranteed to tear - every time!  yes, it absolutely never gets it right!  never a clean edge...always a mess!

poorly made picture hanger, certified crooked!  no matter how large or small your picture, will get it wrong!

wrapping paper in ugly designs!  drunken elves vomiting!  sickly owls on a background of murky green!  stripes in uncomplementary colors! "wow, that acrid yellow with the depressing blue...genius!  my head hurts already!"

15/16 of a cup measuring cup -- absolutely useless for any recipes!  likewise most of a teaspoon, or slightly less than a correct tablespoon...always throws you off.  gift these to your neighbor who thinks they can cook!

"my favorite socks" -- sooo comfortable you never take them off!

false confidence!  believe people like you!  be sure of your own attractiveness!  feeling of indispensability at work!  how can the boss get out his expense reports without you?

self-pity -- "why me?"  well, why not?  what good did you ever do?