is your home too quiet? that eerie feeling...you can't concentrate. you need Door-Banger!
just attach Door-Banger to one or more inside doors of your house or apartment (bathrooms included), and we guarantee that within minutes you'll be able to relax! Door-Banger's patented "randomizer" picks the time - just when you're least expecting it! loud slams vibrate the very foundations of your home or office. wow, it's like thunder! or, for a lighter disturbance, set Door-Banger to "repeat" mode, and enjoy a series of bangs and crashes lasting up to 20 minutes! you can't lose with Door-Banger.
...
new, from the folks that brought you Door-Banger, it's Random Radio! turns itself on and off up to 50 times per hour! you never know what station you'll get - or how loud! give your home that lived-in feel.
and now - with motion detection! as you reach to shut off that annoying noise (is it FOX? greatest hits of the 70s?) Random Radio MOVES AWAY FROM YOU! oh no, what do i do now??? plus, set to "max" and it will also INCREASE THE VOLUME! you can't lose!!
...
and finally our newest product, Backfiring Car! also includes "stuck alarm" and "grinding brakes" settings. wake up the whole neighborhood with this authentic-looking junker that fits easily into your driveway, on-street parking or side yard. ladies like the "El Camino" model! add extra rust and spare tires for that "visual noise" effect, or a half-empty box of tools to imply that "you're really going to fix it soon". there won't be a dull moment with Backfiring Car around!
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Monday, January 19, 2015
New Products for a New Year!
The Cheese Locker
hands off my cheese!
Flat Feet
for level surfaces
The Aquatic Chandelier
a vast transparent globe houses a wonderland of tropical fish, many of them luminous. auto-home takes care of all the maintenance.
The Super Cheese Magnifier!
well like it says
Back-Nose
for pigs only
Eugenia
a city in Oregonia
Parker Pilgrim
takes the nearest road to canterbury and you never see him again
Odorless Mustard
for stealth snacking
The Flying Coffeepot
never take another step!
All's Well That Ends Well
so they say
hands off my cheese!
Flat Feet
for level surfaces
The Aquatic Chandelier
a vast transparent globe houses a wonderland of tropical fish, many of them luminous. auto-home takes care of all the maintenance.
The Super Cheese Magnifier!
well like it says
Back-Nose
for pigs only
Eugenia
a city in Oregonia
Parker Pilgrim
takes the nearest road to canterbury and you never see him again
Odorless Mustard
for stealth snacking
The Flying Coffeepot
never take another step!
All's Well That Ends Well
so they say
Saturday, January 3, 2015
all these...and more
when i'm a poet
i want to name flowers
like robert byron
i know a lot of them!
maybe i should name computer accessories instead
if i have a son, i will show him
"burning ROM" by nero
the hewlett packard deskjet 500
ms office 2002, 2005, and 2020
he will wander the valleys of the yellow network cable
ay, and the orange
neatly coiled in yonder drawer
old modems will please him, the supra 2400, yea even the 1200!
that was many years ago
and he will surpass his progenitors
unafraid, he stalks the ways of wifi
a network hub is old hat to him
together, we will go to the coffee shop
in spring, or autumn
when the leaves are red
and will ask for the password
and set up our laptops
and together "surf the web"
he cringes when i say that, you know
nobody says that any more
nobody uses dumb old flip phones
well, excuse me!
he doesn't even get my steve martin imitation
but while he is young, i shall show him
monty python
and the carol burnett show
all these i learnt as a child (sic)
they recall a time, or a place
probably the daybed in my mother's livingroom
with the small portable tv
or possibly some "con" i attended much later on
the child cringes again
how could you?
boy, you got to take it where you can find it
at least i don't spend all day in video arcades
well duh, neither do i
that is so 80s
well, excuse me!
i want to name flowers
like robert byron
i know a lot of them!
maybe i should name computer accessories instead
if i have a son, i will show him
"burning ROM" by nero
the hewlett packard deskjet 500
ms office 2002, 2005, and 2020
he will wander the valleys of the yellow network cable
ay, and the orange
neatly coiled in yonder drawer
old modems will please him, the supra 2400, yea even the 1200!
that was many years ago
and he will surpass his progenitors
unafraid, he stalks the ways of wifi
a network hub is old hat to him
together, we will go to the coffee shop
in spring, or autumn
when the leaves are red
and will ask for the password
and set up our laptops
and together "surf the web"
he cringes when i say that, you know
nobody says that any more
nobody uses dumb old flip phones
well, excuse me!
he doesn't even get my steve martin imitation
but while he is young, i shall show him
monty python
and the carol burnett show
all these i learnt as a child (sic)
they recall a time, or a place
probably the daybed in my mother's livingroom
with the small portable tv
or possibly some "con" i attended much later on
the child cringes again
how could you?
boy, you got to take it where you can find it
at least i don't spend all day in video arcades
well duh, neither do i
that is so 80s
well, excuse me!
Thursday, December 11, 2014
not for the faint of heart
poetry-in-a-bag!
contains approx. 5 good poems and 77 bad ones
do not open poetry-in-a-bag unless you are prepared...for the FULL POETRY EXPERIENCE!!!
speaking...
windrows, rising
high rover!
sunday morning
cups of inspiration
scattered on a fence
was that a bad one or a good one?
i think you know
contains approx. 5 good poems and 77 bad ones
do not open poetry-in-a-bag unless you are prepared...for the FULL POETRY EXPERIENCE!!!
speaking...
windrows, rising
high rover!
sunday morning
cups of inspiration
scattered on a fence
was that a bad one or a good one?
i think you know
more poetry for aliens
magnify
your letterpress
and speak into your hat
tis all the same receptacle
it's like a little vat
of pleasantry
and other things
you would not understand
the world
awaits
the one who can
your letterpress
and speak into your hat
tis all the same receptacle
it's like a little vat
of pleasantry
and other things
you would not understand
the world
awaits
the one who can
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
birthday part 2
"one thousand years ago today i fell off my parent tree, and began to root immediately!"
"you lucky bastard (sic). i had to crawl for weeks before i found a place. terrible soil! the parent was almost dead, it was his last yield."
"and no sun either, i suppose," says the third one, rolling his 'eyes'.
"it wasn't very good sun," she replies seriously, then turns back to her friend. "but you! sun, good soil, your parent right there..."
"yes, he was young and the leaves were thin. there was plenty for both of us."
"some people have everything, eh?" says the third one, bitterly.
"oh, what about you?" she asks belatedly.
"oh, i have a story of woe far beyond yours, young one. i had to roll into the stones and stay DORMANT for centuries! then the ash covered the land. that went on and on. it was cold, but i slept. others were not so lucky. when i finally emerged, i knew that many of my half-siblings had perished. i was alone. there in that dusty soil i struggled to find enough nutrient. the clouds blew over the sun, night and day. somehow, i rooted. but i was never able to grow large, nor to send out offshoots. all my life, alone. no fruiting, no leaf exchange. finally, the ash returned and i slowly lost life. petrified, i remained conscious a few more decades, and then discharged. i knew nothing, until i woke up here."
thr first two are silent. that small gnarled tree, blown by the bitter winds against the rocks, for so many centuries...they were humbled, and sad. now the troubles of sun-competition, inadequate harvest, water retention, seemed as nothing. how could they have wasted so many cycles on bemoaning it? poor elder, never once to sit in full sun, never even to exchange a leaf-message with a friend. how could it be borne?
the old one laughs. "but i had the joys of becoming stone! that you will never know. the peace that passeth understanding! the pure solidity."
suddenly the sunny days and leafing seem as small potatoes (sic). but one must make the best of it.
"and no sun either, i suppose," says the third one, rolling his 'eyes'.
"it wasn't very good sun," she replies seriously, then turns back to her friend. "but you! sun, good soil, your parent right there..."
"yes, he was young and the leaves were thin. there was plenty for both of us."
"some people have everything, eh?" says the third one, bitterly.
"oh, what about you?" she asks belatedly.
"oh, i have a story of woe far beyond yours, young one. i had to roll into the stones and stay DORMANT for centuries! then the ash covered the land. that went on and on. it was cold, but i slept. others were not so lucky. when i finally emerged, i knew that many of my half-siblings had perished. i was alone. there in that dusty soil i struggled to find enough nutrient. the clouds blew over the sun, night and day. somehow, i rooted. but i was never able to grow large, nor to send out offshoots. all my life, alone. no fruiting, no leaf exchange. finally, the ash returned and i slowly lost life. petrified, i remained conscious a few more decades, and then discharged. i knew nothing, until i woke up here."
thr first two are silent. that small gnarled tree, blown by the bitter winds against the rocks, for so many centuries...they were humbled, and sad. now the troubles of sun-competition, inadequate harvest, water retention, seemed as nothing. how could they have wasted so many cycles on bemoaning it? poor elder, never once to sit in full sun, never even to exchange a leaf-message with a friend. how could it be borne?
the old one laughs. "but i had the joys of becoming stone! that you will never know. the peace that passeth understanding! the pure solidity."
suddenly the sunny days and leafing seem as small potatoes (sic). but one must make the best of it.
i hear it's your birthday!
floating in space, we reminisce.
"back on earth, it's my birthday now," says one. "and mine was last week," says another, and they compare notes. the cards, the presents! the free pizza at dominos! "what about you?" they say to a third.
"oh, we didn't have birthdays as such, " he says modestly. and as the rest exclaim with surprise, "there's mother-laid-the-egg day, there's the initial cracking of the shell, and final emergence day. the shells are very tough."
"wow, you get three of them! do you send cards?"
"well...something like that."
"twas forty years
since the egg was laid
that contained you, wonderful you!
the shell is no more
but we hope you will continue
a hundred other seasons
and lay caches by the score!
upon that distant shore"
(i was just at the reproductive age, he explains)
"wow, i never got a card like that." says mike.
"actually, they were leaves, large leaves."
"oh, ok."
"my ancestor transmuted me on this day 17.5 great cycles ago," says one hitherto silent.
"back on earth, it's my birthday now," says one. "and mine was last week," says another, and they compare notes. the cards, the presents! the free pizza at dominos! "what about you?" they say to a third.
"oh, we didn't have birthdays as such, " he says modestly. and as the rest exclaim with surprise, "there's mother-laid-the-egg day, there's the initial cracking of the shell, and final emergence day. the shells are very tough."
"wow, you get three of them! do you send cards?"
"well...something like that."
"twas forty years
since the egg was laid
that contained you, wonderful you!
the shell is no more
but we hope you will continue
a hundred other seasons
and lay caches by the score!
upon that distant shore"
(i was just at the reproductive age, he explains)
"wow, i never got a card like that." says mike.
"actually, they were leaves, large leaves."
"oh, ok."
"my ancestor transmuted me on this day 17.5 great cycles ago," says one hitherto silent.
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